Beyond Reasons - A Short Story

The monsoon clouds had just calmed down after a heavy July downpour. And like other days, Chitra had woken up early. The fresh air and the mild earthly fragrance of the wet soil were mesmerizing.  The lush green leaves of the trees, slow dripping water droplets and the chirping of the birds at daybreak added a serene touch. 'What a beautiful start to the day!' , she thought. Just a few minutes back, her sleepy eyes had struggled to find the snooze button on the bedside clock.  Despite the urge to sleep more, she had managed to wake up. And there she was on her patio, with a book in her hands, watching the first rays of the sun coloring the morning sky. She felt at peace with herself.

Chitra loved the early mornings. It felt like a different place altogether, quiet and soothing, unlike the later part of the day which was noisy and busy. Her exams were a month away. She was determined to give it her best shot and score high. And the calm mornings gave her the much needed boost to execute that plan.

As she scanned through an algorithm, trying to figure out the logic, something at the corner of her eye caught her attention. She saw an old man walking on the road. 

A familiar white dothi. A familiar white kurtha. And a very familiar gait. She was dumbstruck. “Grandpa ?”, her heart whispered. 

Grandpa meant the world to Chitra. Chitra’s day would begin by accompanying Grandpa on his morning walks. She had hundreds of questions and Grandpa had answers to all of them. Listening to his extensive life experiences was a thrilling pastime. Her enthusiasm peaked when she described the day’s events to him, on returning from school. Grandpa used to watch her play with her friends every evening, while reading the newspaper. And he always had a secret stash of lemon peppermints for Chitra and her friends. Towards the end of the day, she fell asleep hearing him recite his prayers. Grandpa, really meant the world to Chitra.

“No, it can’t be Grandpa”, her mind fought back. 

“Is it my imagination?”, she pinched herself to check if she was day dreaming.  “Is he Grandpa ?”, she murmured.

She stood up and walked up to the railings to get a closer glimpse of the man walking by. She couldn't see his face, but his lean frame and gait had done the trick. All at once, she was eager to meet this man who had re-surged her lost emotions. She wondered, who could this man be, who was so similar to the person she adored. Before she could fathom what just happened, her thoughts broke. 

“Chitra”, her mom called out. She got up and went inside the house.  

The rest of the day went on with mundane tasks. But the events from that morning had brought a unique sense of contentment in her. She fell asleep, unaware of the smile on her face, as she slept through.

Next morning, the alarm went off as usual. And Chitra was once again searching for the snooze button. But the faint hope of seeing the man again made her get off the bed instead.

She went out on to her patio and started studying. But her eyes constantly searched the road for the slightest sight which might make her happy. Deep down in her heart, she was waiting for that old man to show up again. She hadn’t thought about what she would do, if he did show up. Would she follow him? Would she speak to him?  So many thoughts in her mind. She was getting restless. 

There was no sight of the man she saw yesterday. She started feeling it was her imagination. Or maybe she was hallucinating. But somewhere she was not convinced that her sight and senses had cheated her, and made her believe in something absurd.

“Why has he not come for a walk today ?”, she pondered. “Maybe he will turn up tomorrow. Maybe he might have woken up late. Maybe he took a new route today?”. Many questions ran through her mind. But there was no way she could figure this out any further. For she had, just a image of a man in her mind who walked across the road. And he reminded her of her grandpa. Apart from that, she had no other details.

Days passed by and exam fever had caught up more intensely. Chitra got busier and busier with the never ending list of topics which needed her immediate attention. She lost count of the days, and the probability of seeing the old man again was diminishing. But Chitra believed, she would see him someday.

It was the morning of her last exam. Accustomed to her habit, she was studying on her patio, breaking her head over a complex theorem. 

Just as she was trying to recall what she read, her eyes gazed across the road ahead. She couldn't believe her eyes. It was that same old man. That moment, she knew, it wasn't her imagination after all. He looked so much like her grandpa. He walked calmly at a steady pace, in stark contrast to frenzied thoughts running inside Chitra’s mind.

Without second thoughts, she ran outside her house, trying to catch up with the old man. He was about a hundred yards away from her. She ran until he could hear her. “Grandpa”, she shouted. 

But the man didn’t stop. She continued running further, until she was much closer to the man. “Grandpa”, she reached out again. This time he heard her, and turned around.

As he faced Chitra, it was the moment of silence. 

Chitra saw his face. 

It wasn’t her grandfather. 

The castle in the air that was built over the last few weeks, had shattered right in front of her eyes. She felt helpless, standing there in the middle of the road, desperately searching for familiarity. She was devastated. 

“Sorry. I thought you were my grandfather”, Chitra mumbled.

Her mind knew it from the very beginning. He couldn’t be her grandpa. Her grandpa had passed away a few years back. Chitra cherished the time she had spent with her grandpa. And those memories were very much alive. What she didn’t know was that, a fond heart could easily cross the boundaries of reasoning.

The old man smiled and affectionately touched her cheek. He didn’t say anything.  And he continued on his way. 

Element of surprise ... as a emotion ... :)

Sometimes we have a fixed opinion on some people, how they think , how they behave , how they react and similar such thoughts ... Yes. I am somewhere proving to be judgemental . But then I feel we just cant stop, not being so. There's always a surprise element when they do something, which no doubt, made you happy but left a question in your mind -'Is this the person I have known ?' , followed by a smile on your face :) You feel good even though you are proved wrong somewhere .. Rather its a bonus to you cos you have discovered something new about your friend or person concerned that it makes things easier. Seriously, emotions are beautiful :)

Hope to find more surprises which leaves you happier with newer discoveries.

Irony ...

I call it , "Irony of a geek developer's girlfriend "

Wish I was some piece of code -

you would have spent time with me more,

Analysed every bit of me,

Loved me more passionately

And made me complete.

But today I am jealous of the code you write -

Such an irony but true in reality .

PS : all characters are imaginary ... no resemblance to any person dead or alive :P

The power of silence ..

This the latest of the poems I wrote. Its about the musings of a gal about her latest crush :)

I see him ...
And I ponder over the hundred thoughts I have of him-
He sees me too ..
I wonder , if he thinks about me, as much as I do .
I pause , the very moment I catch a glimpse of him
And my eyes in ecstasy , glimmer ,all for him,I feel-
I hesitate , even to smile, which is so unlike me -
No doubt, his magic works so well on me .
I have been crazy all the while -
But somehow, seeing him, I forget all my style -
If only silence can do all these and more ..
I stupor, going ahead , what all is in store ! :)

Cheers,
Rani :)

Wayward Lover

This poem is an attempt to put forth the cognitions of a wayward lover , who is juggling between love ,responsilities and expectations . Finding no solace admist so many things, the lover just prays to God for a resolute mind . Read more to understand it better from the eyes of the wayward lover.Pure work of fiction, no strings attached.

I lose my mind when I cant be in touch with you ..
Time and again I come up with ideas anew..
Still means to reach you are so very few
How do I make you understand my point of view ?

Not finding you around is making me go blind
I find no answers in my cluttered mind..
How will I know,if this is Love?
Give me more signs, Oh my Lord above -

I remember your words, Baby, dont give up on me -
Just musings about you,everything else I oversee -
I dont even know ,When was I last esprit?
Why you had to leave me and fly overseas ?

Is this Love ?
Show me some signs, to talk of-
How will I know, if this is love?
Make me realize, oh my Lord, whom I am proud of !

I dont understand the pain I feel-
I dont even know if this wound would ever heal ?
Why am I , even now, charmed by your sex appeal-
Why cant you just be by my side,and our lips seal-
Why this has to be a complex deal ?

Is this Love?
How will I know, if this is love ?
Just make me resolute ,oh my Lord !
I will thank you each day ,in accord !

Musical Remedy

After a long ten day break from gymming , While I took the thread mill and started running , I realized what I have been missing all these while. Awesome Music being played on the background and I am running ... Its just me ..no restrictions, no expectations , nothing to stop me back... all the negative thoughts, hindrances ,frustrations just pouring down as sweat . I feel I am living the moment.. hear my heart beat ... and music at the background ... nothing else ...

I remember a song , to describe this situation aptly ..Its from a band GreenDay , the song is called Boulevard of broken dreams .. I walk a lonely road , the only one that i have ever known.. I walk alone .. I walk alone.....

Breaking all these thoughts ,the 20 minutes timer expires and I am done with my workout feeling lighter than never before , ready to tackle the battlefield ...

I just laugh and resume my work ...

:) :) :) :)

A very small event but it made a big impact on me !! Just like any other monotonous day at work , work piling up and tasks seem to move too slowly. Unexpected results bringing unneeded focus and questions made on your efforts spent !! I get up from my place to take a stroll, low in spirits like never before .Then, there I see a familiar face making entry through the ODC door ! He was talking over phone !! He looked at me and gave a big SMILE :) Thats all the magic he did...He has always been special to me .. .. My heart jumped in joy and I had forgotten all the worries and hurdles ... Our familiriaty grew only becuase of the smiles we exchanged. Never had we spoken to each other !!But never had we missed a chance to smile at each other when we crossed paths . :) I was soooooooooo happy , I took a stroll outside and work resumed !! :) :) Realised once again - " it takes 43 muscles to frown but only 22 muscles to smile " and thus was I able to SMILE my way out, in anticipation of more SMILES to bring magic into life ;) ;) :)

memory lane

I call this poem which I wrote some days back as -'memory lane' . Here it goes....

I dont give you the right to hurt me
When I am no-one to you
Why should I be hurt by the things you do
For I know I have been insane
In love for you
Jump out of my memory lane
But you never understood
What you meant to me .

Life's been harsh on me
Same like the way you treated me
It was my fault for sure
For you were always obscure
Jump out of my memory lane
I can no longer bear the pain
But you never understood
How much you meant to me.

Sometimes I feel misunderstood
For I did all what I could
I am trying... but still feel the pain
Please jump out of my memory lane
Let my efforts not go in vain
Let me start living again
Because you never understood
How much your love mattered to me .

blissed !!

thoughts flow as words...and here is the poem which i wrote down last night .....

On the porch I sat after a long tiring day
Trying to hear what my heart had to say ..
Up above the clear night sky over me
I could see a star twinkling at me .
The chilly breeze made my nose numb-
The thought of 'him' , made my heart jump
Wish we could hold hand-in-hand..
With dreams to take off to the fantasy land.
The skyline twinkled with a stary mile ..
The blissful gusto made me smile..
The moment was made special by the moon..
How I wished I could meet 'him' soon -

Eye opener

'FAITH', for me,as always been my ajja(grandpa) and ammanna(grandma) personified.They believed in me when I didnt even know what BELIEF was all about.World looked like heaven through their eyes.As said and heard from our scriptures,Heaven is the abode of GODS.Heaven too is not an exception.It too comes under the attack of 'asuras'(deamons).My heaven too had its first blow of chaos when death took away ajja from us.It was the first time I felt there is some greater force which stirs up all our lives.The force that makes us happy.The same force has power to make us cry.But what was it ? I really didnt know.All I knew was I have my grandma who has all answers.Such was my FAITH in her.But how would the little me come up with a question of such higher order at an age of nine.

It was a matter of time and again that my grandma,dad and mom brought back the good times.But it still seemed not perfect like before.It seemed like a broken house redone.But my eyes saw what my ammanna and parents showed me as happiness and I believed them and those were the treasured days indeed.Time again showed its nature and took away my grandma.I cried and cried.Whats this happenning?But ammanna was such a pious lady and she rightly deserved place at feet of the LORD as death unfolded as a beautiful mystery for her as she took her last breath in the holy temple premises of Tirumala.And for us it embossed the essence of FAITH as 'For All I Trust HIM'.Such was her power of BHAKTHI.

I missed her lots.I wouldnt find her sleeping next to me reassuring my fears which made me more uncomfortable.Without her WHO would show me the GOD's world?I could only see 'Not-so-good' things around me,things which I had never seen and felt before. I saw life as such a brutal piece of stone.It lands you up in such hard blows that you remain stunned with its uncertainty.But what kept us going was 'FOR ALL I TRUST HIM'.Blood is thicker than water and my dad was the one for me, who filled in the place of both grandpa and grandma.He was everything to me.He was my confidence,my source of inspiration.Until he with me,nothing can go wrong.

But whats destined to happen will happen.When death takes away life,it doesnt think about who suffers,who cries,who needs whom,nothing at all.It comes and goes like a hurricane,destroys your world,leaves the living near ones in such misery and pain that even tears dont help relieving the loss incurred.Its like you are wounded and you dont bleed but feel like hell,the scare it made.Questions unanwered,FAITH uprooted,hope lost,darkness felt!!Yet irony of life is that sun rises every morning and sets every evening.Day comes and day goes.Our whole world tumbled down when death showed its facet again taking away dad.FEARS and only fears visible.

I hated everything.My brother and my mom were strong enough not to lose hope inmidst of the pain. How will I live without my dad?I cried.Nothing changed.He didnt come back,I pleaded god for his return umpteen times.For All I TRUST HIM was not true anymore.

Life had become baseless.I was living just for the sake of living.During one such day I was forced by my mom to visit the utsav in Krishna mutt.Thousands of people had gathered.I could see many familiar faces and I was forcefully smiling at all,with difficulty I was depicting that everything is fine and in place.Even when people praised the LORD in all glory I didnt see the FAITH which once I was the living carrier of.WHY?WHY?WHY?

Suddenly my thoughts broke and I saw my little nephew holding a red balloon in his hand.That little kid was telling my mom-"I will let go this balloon.It will fly high and high until it reaches Gopal Ajja(my dad).He must be seeing us from above.He will be happy to get this balloon from me." A tear rolled down my eyes.I realised how wrong I have been all while.The world looks to you as you see it.FAITH is unconditional.I accepted from that day that my dad leaves in the sky above and he is with me where ever I go.

It struck to me that I was on earth and not on heaven.Life is called Life only when lived on earth.Only on earth you learn things the hard way.No one is alone during tribulations – there’s always someone else thinking,rejoicing or suffering in the same way. This thought gives us strength to face the challenge that lies in front of us.But this realisation took me so long.But what matters is the essence and not the time.I saw heaven because my grandfather,grandmother,father struggled and made earth a heaven for me.My mistake was that I saw earth as heaven itself, but not the struggle which they took to make earth a heaven.They too faced challenges but came above it all and became respectful individuals of society.Even death has not stopped people from remembering them.Its my turn NOW,to do my share in continuing the process they started long back.

As I read it somewhere, 'Sometimes happiness is a blessing – but generally it’s a conquest. The magic moment of the day changes us and makes us take off in the direction of our dreams,our lives.' Life is all about living.Thats all I can say.

Ride onto the other side ...??? Is it greener ...??? :P

I have always wondered how things would have been if they were something else rather than being what they are now!Grass always looks greener on the other side... is it?? Other side has taken different facets during my ride till now.It has been a person, sometimes GOD HIMself was the other side and at few other times 'other side' personified as passed over past or anticipated future :-)

4th june 2007 :-) My birthday....!!! First time ever I was having an exam on my birthday in the last 22 years. But happiest note which kept me going through that day was -

"Last exam ever!4 years of torture at the climax muuhaaaahahaaaaahaaa......" After the final countdown till zero, rest was day was just yet another day ,the usual eat,sleep type!!!

At the fall of day,triggered by my intense passion, in anticipation of excitement and fun, I kick started my darling 6060,my 110 cc honda activa on the bumpy roads.Had I ever imagined it would get greener than this,I never would have been thrilled of riding it till there.

Singing my heart out in the tunes of Bon Jovi "Its my life, now or never.... I m gonna live forever....",I was enjoying the breeze hitting my face.Suddenly the engine stopped roaring and came to a halt."Omigod!!Omigod!!" I had already reached way ahead! wat will I do? I glanced around to find a signpost '7th milestone!'.What was THAT?? Strange!!I wondered.

Even before I could register,I was in a new setup.WHERE AM I?It was then I realised,I was in the days coming ahead.It was the NOW for me, not anymore the anticipated future but the present itself.Where have I landed myself???Am I already working in Wipro? Just yesterday I gave my last paper. I looked around and found myself already in training sessions.New environment,new beggining and I didnt even realise that I started a new phase of life.Am I annemic?Am I suffering from memory loss??But it was the reality . Nothing changed.Many people came and spoke to me,totally new faces .How are they familiar to me?I was very very uncomforatble at the fastforward button pressed in my life.

The next moment I was giving a online test.All questions seemed alien to me.But I could hear the anouncements '90 is the cut-off!' I shouldn't have raced through previous six milestones in such a hurry.Why wouldn my activa break down at a milestone at times when I was hanging out ,having fun with new friends??Why exam again??Mera bad luck hi karab hai! :-(

Tears rolled down my eyes at my plight and I was staring into someone's deep eyes.In his eyes,I could see my mom,sis,bro searching me all over the house,also near our shop asking our shop staff whether they had seen me. My dad had already called Roshni's place and he was engaged in calling other relatives places enquiring my whereabouts.

"I want to go back.Please help me out!Please....", I cried. I could see his face so calm and his eyes were so radiant and his smile was all-answering.I wasnt a stranger to HIM.I could see my activa lying down on the ground."Help me out to find a gas station.I m out of fuel!",I yelled. I opened the tank to show him the empty tank but I was surprised to find the tank full.I kick started once again, but engine didnt roar. He only smiled ..but that smile was reassuring.

He started laughing and removed the fuel pipe.A big air bubble went flying by.My eyes travelled with it high and high until it disappered in the skies. I couldnt find him now around me.I wanted to search him,but something within me told me that I wanted to get back home soon.I kick started again and engine roared to life and without a second thought I drove back until I saw my house gate and rushed in.

Black out!!!!

When I opened my eyes ,I could see my mom,sis,dad,bro plus doctor uncle surrounding me.I could feel a heavy weight on my head.I was then told I had injured myself on the head , hitting myself against the iron shutter of the godown while I rushed into the gate.Mom asked me where I had been?I told I had been to the temple.That time it struck to me wat I had prayed and wat occurred to me unfolded."Thank you God!! You taught me an unforgetable lesson!", relieved I smiled.

Everything happens for GOOD. HE has a story for each one of us.If we try to jump forward or jump backward,it leaves us incomplete,we get lost into no-where.NOW is the only reality. Live upto it to the fullest. And as life's story unfolds, you will realise wat HIS magic wand did to you all the while!!!!