'FAITH', for me,as always been my ajja(grandpa) and ammanna(grandma) personified.They believed in me when I didnt even know what BELIEF was all about.World looked like heaven through their eyes.As said and heard from our scriptures,Heaven is the abode of GODS.Heaven too is not an exception.It too comes under the attack of 'asuras'(deamons).My heaven too had its first blow of chaos when death took away ajja from us.It was the first time I felt there is some greater force which stirs up all our lives.The force that makes us happy.The same force has power to make us cry.But what was it ? I really didnt know.All I knew was I have my grandma who has all answers.Such was my FAITH in her.But how would the little me come up with a question of such higher order at an age of nine.
It was a matter of time and again that my grandma,dad and mom brought back the good times.But it still seemed not perfect like before.It seemed like a broken house redone.But my eyes saw what my ammanna and parents showed me as happiness and I believed them and those were the treasured days indeed.Time again showed its nature and took away my grandma.I cried and cried.Whats this happenning?But ammanna was such a pious lady and she rightly deserved place at feet of the LORD as death unfolded as a beautiful mystery for her as she took her last breath in the holy temple premises of Tirumala.And for us it embossed the essence of FAITH as 'For All I Trust HIM'.Such was her power of BHAKTHI.
I missed her lots.I wouldnt find her sleeping next to me reassuring my fears which made me more uncomfortable.Without her WHO would show me the GOD's world?I could only see 'Not-so-good' things around me,things which I had never seen and felt before. I saw life as such a brutal piece of stone.It lands you up in such hard blows that you remain stunned with its uncertainty.But what kept us going was 'FOR ALL I TRUST HIM'.Blood is thicker than water and my dad was the one for me, who filled in the place of both grandpa and grandma.He was everything to me.He was my confidence,my source of inspiration.Until he with me,nothing can go wrong.
But whats destined to happen will happen.When death takes away life,it doesnt think about who suffers,who cries,who needs whom,nothing at all.It comes and goes like a hurricane,destroys your world,leaves the living near ones in such misery and pain that even tears dont help relieving the loss incurred.Its like you are wounded and you dont bleed but feel like hell,the scare it made.Questions unanwered,FAITH uprooted,hope lost,darkness felt!!Yet irony of life is that sun rises every morning and sets every evening.Day comes and day goes.Our whole world tumbled down when death showed its facet again taking away dad.FEARS and only fears visible.
I hated everything.My brother and my mom were strong enough not to lose hope inmidst of the pain. How will I live without my dad?I cried.Nothing changed.He didnt come back,I pleaded god for his return umpteen times.For All I TRUST HIM was not true anymore.
Life had become baseless.I was living just for the sake of living.During one such day I was forced by my mom to visit the utsav in Krishna mutt.Thousands of people had gathered.I could see many familiar faces and I was forcefully smiling at all,with difficulty I was depicting that everything is fine and in place.Even when people praised the LORD in all glory I didnt see the FAITH which once I was the living carrier of.WHY?WHY?WHY?
Suddenly my thoughts broke and I saw my little nephew holding a red balloon in his hand.That little kid was telling my mom-"I will let go this balloon.It will fly high and high until it reaches Gopal Ajja(my dad).He must be seeing us from above.He will be happy to get this balloon from me." A tear rolled down my eyes.I realised how wrong I have been all while.The world looks to you as you see it.FAITH is unconditional.I accepted from that day that my dad leaves in the sky above and he is with me where ever I go.
It struck to me that I was on earth and not on heaven.Life is called Life only when lived on earth.Only on earth you learn things the hard way.No one is alone during tribulations – there’s always someone else thinking,rejoicing or suffering in the same way. This thought gives us strength to face the challenge that lies in front of us.But this realisation took me so long.But what matters is the essence and not the time.I saw heaven because my grandfather,grandmother,father struggled and made earth a heaven for me.My mistake was that I saw earth as heaven itself, but not the struggle which they took to make earth a heaven.They too faced challenges but came above it all and became respectful individuals of society.Even death has not stopped people from remembering them.Its my turn NOW,to do my share in continuing the process they started long back.
As I read it somewhere, 'Sometimes happiness is a blessing – but generally it’s a conquest. The magic moment of the day changes us and makes us take off in the direction of our dreams,our lives.' Life is all about living.Thats all I can say.
